


Breikum en Wor

by Linrei26



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Clexa, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-15
Updated: 2016-01-05
Packaged: 2018-05-06 23:20:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5434589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Linrei26/pseuds/Linrei26
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Forgetting is not the same as forgiving, Clarke. I know I can't ask you for forgiveness because I don't deserve it. However...I ask for you to give me time. Time to mend some of the pain I caused. Time to earn your trust again, and time for you to heal that part of yourself that the mountain took from you."<br/>I'm in process of changing this story. Sorry guys I won't update in a while</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: I don't the 100!  
> A/N: Hello gentle viewers!  
> I come to you with another CLEXA story. This story makes a small turn to what happen in Mount Weather. HOWEVER, just because I made some changes to make Lexa's betrayal less painful, it doesn't mean I don't believe her actions were not justifiable. I believe Lexa's choice when leaving Mount Weather were the actions of a leader, but since I wanted to use some things in the future, I decided to go with this route in the fic, and honestly it makes the process of reconciliation between Clarke and Lexa faster for me, lol.  
> For the readers of my other stories, I'll say that I am not procrastinating the other stories to write this one, in fact I haven't been able to write anything in like a month now. The thing is that I started this fic since July from this year, but I have been avoiding to post anything yet because I wanted to write a good amount of episodes before I started uploading them. Since I haven't uploaded anything in a while and because the Trailer of the 100 was awesome, I decided to post this now. Unfortunately I still won't be able to write anything from my other stories yet, so have patience with me.  
> Also, I want to say special thanks to FearoftheInevitable who beta readed the first chapters of this story!  
> Important info: things in italics will be memories or thoughts of the characters.  
> If the words in italics are between "quotations" there are memories of someone else's words.  
> translations from trigedasleng will go between (parenthesis) within text instead of foot notes, because I found stressful to go to the footnotes to understand things.  
> the xxxx, will separate scenes in the chapters.  
> Warnings: This story will have a lot of violence, sex, and adult content in the future, so I guess that's a fair warning, but in every chapter I'll give a heads up for mayor trigger warnings. It's rated M for a reason.  
> Also, I've tried to do justice to most of the characters, but since this is a Clexa story they are the focus and the other characters may take a while to appear in the story, but they will be there, so no worries.  
> Ok, I hope you like it, so here it goes! Enjoy!

** Reasons **

_ "We do what we must to survive." _

When Clarke Griffin had left camp Jaha, it had been a decision spurt of stubbornness and fear. She didn't want to face her friends because every time she looked at their faces she remembered what she had done. She would remember what she had become in order to survive. She had let all the people in Mount Weather die in order to safe forty of her own people. 

_ "The things that we've done to survive, they don't define us." _

She didn't regret it. She didn't, but she did feel remorse for her actions. Children, elders, mothers and fathers, all innocent, and they had died that day because of her actions. 

Sacrifices.

_ "Victory stands on the back of sacrifice." _

All of them had died, to save her people, and if saving their lives meant her hands would be stained with blood, so be it. She knew she had made the right decision; however, she still hated herself for making it. That was the real reason she had left from camp Jaha; it wasn't only guilt that she felt, it was hate. She hated Jasper and the others for putting her in that position. She hated her mother for being so weak, for pushing her to become the leader she was supposed to be. She hated Bellamy, because somehow he had become a real hero when at the beginning she had been the one with higher moral ground. She hated herself for becoming so cold and heartless, for willing to sacrifice hundreds of people just to save her own. And...

She hated Lexa for betraying her...

_ "Not everyone, not you." _

The leader of the grounders had been a constant thought in Clarke's mind since she gave the order that would kill everyone in Mount Weather. She thought about how the _Heda_ had sacrificed Clarke's people in order to save the grounders in the mountain and avoid a battle where many of her own people could have died. Clarke thought about how she had made the same decision an hour later, sacrificing hundreds of innocents to save her own. She thought about how, if she had been in Lexa's situation, she might have taken the same offer. That's why she hated Lexa; because she couldn't hate her. Her heart roared with revulsion and resentment, but her brain and rationality prevented her from fully hating the commander.  She understood her choice, but still felt betrayed by it because she thought that, out of all the people of the Skaikru and Trigedakru, Lexa was the one that would have never hurt her. She had seen it in her eyes, felt it in that kiss; Lexa would have never hurt her...but she did. She had hurt her a lot.

She thought about Lexa's proposal to go to the Polis, and she wanted to go, but Clarke was also scared of meeting with Lexa again. In all honesty, she felt like she would want to stab the Heda the moment she saw her, and considering it could cause an imminent death at the hand of the grounders, she wanted to avoid encountering her so soon. That, or she would run to her and hug her with all her might because she was scared, she was sad and she was lonely, and somehow Lexa had always been capable of erasing those feelings from her mind with a simple glance of cold and soulful eyes because deep down Clarke knew that Lexa was the only one that truly understood her. 

_ "To lead well you must make hard choices." _

All in all, Lexa confused her. She wanted to know why she had betrayed her. She wanted to confront her and asked her if the kiss she had given her was real, or if it was only a play of power for her. That's how she end it up there, in the same spot she stood the day she watched Lexa turn her back and walk away from her. She was standing before the gates of Mount Weather. She frowned when a sick feeling prevented her from going any further. She was curious to know if her people had gone and buried the dead and saved any possessions they could find, but she couldn't find the strength within herself to walk inside the doomed mountain. 

She glanced at the sky when a reflection of light blinded her for a second. She used her hand to cover her eyes, and squinted in confusion when she noticed the glimmer was coming from the mountain over the metal gate covered by a row of bushes and small trees. Curiosity drove her to climb through that part of the woods, her mind immediately jumping to Lexa again; she and her men had come to this part of the mountain to fight the snipers.

Clarke shook her head, annoyed with herself. With a huff, she climbed the last bit of the hill to reach a flat space in the mountain. She lifted her gaze and gasped in surprise. 

_ "I was wrong about you Clarke." _

Missile launchers. At least five of them, with maybe a total of thirty missiles in them. Clarke walked absently to the structure closest to her and reached her hand to touch the cold metal of the killing machine. A beeping sound caught her attention, and she walked to a small controlling port at the side of the rocket launcher.

"Is it still working?" Clarke wondered at loud. The dam had been destroyed and the second generator had been stopped. Why was it working? With doubt she touched the screen and it lit up, coming back to life. Another surprised gasp left her throat when she saw what was in the screen. The assigned target of the missiles was just a few feet away from her. Clarke glanced down the path she just climbed and saw the entrance to Mount Weather.  The place where an army of grounders had stood, prepared to attack the mountain people, before Lexa had made the deal with them. 

"They were going to kill us all." Clarke said trying to process the new information.

_ "You're the one who burned three hundred of my warriors alive."    _

Clarke gasped for air, not sure when she had stopped breathing. Her mind was running one hundred miles per hour. When Lexa had climbed the mountain, she had seen the rocket launchers. She knew that, if she didn't accept the deal, everybody in the gates would have died. 

This explained so much. She never understood why Lexa would have made a deal with the mountain men when they had killed hundreds of her people in TonDC.   

" _Jus drein, jus daun_. (Blood must have blood)" She said in a whisper. The Trigedakru would have never surrendered so easily; they were warriors. The mountain men had spilled so much grounder blood that the idea of a truce was ridiculous. Their whole culture revolved around the idea of honor and revenge. 

Lexa had ordered a retreat because there was no other option. If she fought back, they would have blown up everybody at the gate.  

_ "I thought I would never get over the pain, but I did." _

She felt her legs go weak as she collapsed to her knees, completely stunned.   _So this is why she did it._

_ "I do care, Clarke. But I’ve made this decision with my head, and not my heart." _

Not only the grounders would have died, but herself and her friends. The mountain men must have thought that, without the grounders, the people from the arc wouldn't be able to do anything.  If Lexa had refused, a lot of people from both sides would have died. Even if enough people had survived the bombing, nothing would have assured that they would win. 

Clarke bit her lower lip in anger. 

"Lexa." Why didn't she tell her? She would have understood if she had said that the mountain men were planning to throw missiles at them. _Stupid Raccoon woman! Why didn't she explained herself?!_ "Why didn't you tell me?" She snarled angrily.

_ "I do trust you Clarke." _

This changed everything, right? If what Clarke was thinking was true, then Lexa had a good reason for her actions. It was strange because, even while knowing that, Clarke was still upset with the commander, maybe even more now because she had left without explaining, letting Clarke hate her for something that had been inevitable. Did Lexa think about telling her the truth? Did the other grounders know why she had ordered the retreat? She had too many questions unanswered, and there was only one person capable of answering them. 

_ "You should come with me to the capitol. Polis will change the way you think about us." _

"Polis." Clarke said, remembering Lexa's words. She stood up, taking one last glance at the mountain before making up her mind. "You already have." She said with a sigh as she moved to go down the mountain.  She walked almost by memory through the woods for hours, panting until she reached her destination. 

She looked around and felt a ping of melancholy in her chest when she saw what had been a grounders' camping, completely empty. There were only two structures up: a tent and roofed barn. Movement caught her attention, and a frown etched itself onto her lips when she found a horse within a fence. She walked towards it, wondering if the grounders had left it behind to die, but found that the horse had food and water to last for a long time. She reluctantly turned around and walked directly to what she knew was Lexa's tent. She removed the curtain that worked as an entrance and froze in place when she found that the place looked almost the same as it had looked the last time she was there. Without the candles the place looked gloomier and sent a trail of shivers down Clarke's spine.  

The grounders had left already. There was nothing there. She was about to turn around and leave, when something in the table caught her attention. Lexa's dagger was nailed in the table. She walked to it and smiled when she looked down. A map. A world map laid on the table. She leaned to look closer since the lack of light make it difficult to her tired eyes to look at the smaller details. She saw a circle in the  East part of the map, and she recognized it as her current position. The grounder's camping zone. A dark line traced lightly from that spot to the Southwest part of the map. A long path, and it lead to where the knife was stuck in the map with a black cross under it.

_ "Love is weakness." _

"Did you left this behind for me, Lexa?" Clarke smiled knowing the answer already. She moved her hand to the knife and lifted it with a strong pull. She smiled down at the dagger unaware of her actions. She then looked at the map and traced her fingers where the black cross marked the map. "Polis."  She took the map with one swipe of her hand and marched out of the tent. She walked to the horse and opened the gate of the fence that trapped it, grabbing a saddle and placing it onto the horse, making sure to tie her luggage with it as well.  She climbed over the beast and looked around her once more.

"May we meet again." Clarke said, and with a slap of her foot she prompted her horse to move forward. Her new destination: Polis, the capitol.    

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX-XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
> There it was! Small chapters I know. I hope you like the small twist. I tried to explain how even without the missiles Clarke still could understand Lexa's actions, but like I said, I want to do some things in the future, so I needed this small change.  
> I hope you like the chapter, if you did please let me know! Also if you have questions or anything feel free to ask.  
> Bye!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I don't the 100!
> 
> A/N: Hello Clexakru!
> 
> Aww, the first chapter didn't have a big reception *puppy eyes*...hmmm it wasn't bad either... who knows really, I only can compare it to my other stories so maybe it's better than I think.
> 
> Either way, thank you very much to those who followed or favorite the story. Trust me this is going to be a wild ride. Fun fact, ff.net says that the story has only 9 views... but it has 13 followers already so...
> 
> Anyway, thank you to the amazing Anon who left my first review for this story. I'm glad you liked how I managed the twist in the story.
> 
> Warning: men being dicks and use of drugs... just mention of it though... I don't even know if it's worth to put in the warnings...
> 
> Enjoy!

** Enemies ** ****

Even after wandering on her own in the woods for over a week, it was still hard for Clarke to follow the directions of the map. She looked before her, seeing a huge mountain with a canyon in the middle. She drew her eyes back to the map and frowned when it signaled her to go through it instead of around it. The stretch of canyon looked dark, gloomy and dangerous enough to make her horse to move uneasily underneath her.

The pass was obviously the faster route; nevertheless, it seemed to be the most dangerous path as well.  The route that surrounded the canyon was marked with a big red cross. The contrast between the black cross of the spot on the map that marked Polis, and the red cross of the other route, made her feel uneasy.

"What do you say buddy? Should we risk it?" Clarke asked her horse, glancing back to the dark path ahead of her. The horse neighed and shook its head to the sides backing up a little from the rock structure. "Ok, that's a no for me." 

Clarke allowed her horse to turn around and decided to go around the canyon to get to her destination. She was careful; during her ride she was sure to keep her pace slow, but steady, paying attention to her surroundings. Half way through her path, she regretted her decision. The unnerving feeling that had accompanied her during her trip, grew ten times stronger. She felt herself being watched, and that could not be good. 

Sighing, Clarke forced herself to relax. There were probably grounders, and if they were they would be able to take her to Polis to meet Lexa. The problem was that she was almost sure that the eyes studying her from the trees were not from grounders. She had become used to the grounders' ways. She knew how they hunted, how they lurked in the shadows; they were cautious and silent like shadows in a dark cave. However, the people following her right now were reckless and noisy, as if they wanted Clarke to know about their presence, as if there were taunting her. Maybe that was what they wanted, to scare her. If that was what they wanted, they had succeeded. 

"Fuck this!" She cursed, and with a kick, she prompted her horse to sprint. Almost immediately, she heard loud laughter and shouts from the woods, and suddenly she found herself being chased by a group of men on horses as well. 

_ They wanted a persecution? They’re playing with me.    _

She looked over her shoulder when she noticed that the men were singing. Singing? That was not English or Trigedasleng. She gasped in surprise when her horse stopped all of the sudden, causing her to fly over its head and fall painfully to the ground. _How did they do that?_

Clarke tried to gather herself and run, or fight back, but before she knew she was surrounded by five men. They looked like grounders, but at the same time they didn't. All of them had shaved heads and eyebrows, with tribal tattoos all over their heads. Their clothes were lighter than the fighting suits of the grounders and the massive swords they carried on their backs contrasted with the elegance and speed that the grounders' swords provided. 

One of the men spoke to her, and she quickly shook her head and looked at him while standing up with her head high.

"I don't understand your tongue. I only speak English." She said and was surprised when the man that appeared to be the leader smirked at her with a lecherous smile.

"You should have said that earlier little lamb." The man said, and his companions laughed with him. 

Clarke cursed inwardly at her stupidity. She should have followed the map and went through the canyon. These people were not grounders, they were too raucous, too impertinent, too joyous to be trikru. She needed to find a way to get out of there.

"I have no quarrel with you. I did not know this was your territory. I apologize, but request you allow me to continue with my journey." she said with a rough voice that even herself didn't recognize at her own. She was not sure where that had come from, but now she was afraid that her words had disrespected her assailants. The laugher of the men surprised her. 

"Don't worry, lamb, we have no intentions to hurt you." The man said with a twisted smile. Clarke let out a sigh of relieve causing the man's smile to grow wider. "We only intend to rob you." 

_ Asshole. _ Clarke thought frowning. Yet she stood back while the men registered her belongings. If they left her without food or water, she would be in trouble. She could scavenge something, and maybe hunt, but she really needed the water she had on her because she hadn't seen a river or lake in miles. 

"Your clothes are funny, lamb. Where are you from?" The man asked, and Clarke immediately lied to the man fearing that if she said that she was from the sky people or tree people, they would consider her their enemy.

"I'm not from here." Clarke said looking him to the eyes. "I come from far into the mountains. My people are looking for new lands because the weather has made it hard for us to continue living there." The man narrowed his eyes at her, and Clarke had to force her body not to give the lie away. "I'm just a scout."

" _Rakta_!" one of the other men exclaimed, calling the attention of their leader. The shorter man walked to him holding in his hand Lexa's dagger and the map to Polis. The leader took the weapon and studied it for a while before raising it and point at Clarke's face with it.

"Where did you get this?" The leader asked, and Clarke was quick on her lie again.

"I found it, in an abandoned camp." The man stepped closer to her invading her personal space. He studied her face for a minute before stepping back smiling at her. "Change of plans, lamb, you are coming with us."  The man commanded and moments after Clarke could feel a pair of strong arms wrapping around her and dragging her to their horses. She screamed and kicked, but she knew it was worthless. She was their prisoner now.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx-xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Indra walked through a hallway heading to the Heda's chambers. Instead of staying in the remainings of TonDC, the commander had ordered that Indra and her people should return to Polis. The rest of the soldiers had returned to their respective homes while the leaders of the clans had followed the Heda to the capital.

Things weren't looking too good; the warriors were angry with the Heda because she ordered the retreat in the battle of the mountain. Indra herself was confused by the decision of the commander. She knew Lexa from the moment she had ascended as the new Heda, and she watched how just a child managed to do what seemed impossible to many others in a hundred years. 

She trusted Lexa's judgment; she had sworn her loyalty to her after the clans were finally reunited, and until now she had never disappointed her, at least not until the Skaikru appeared. She saw her fail for the very first time in seven years, bringing disgrace to her kru. Why did she order the retreat? Why?

The rumors of _jusgon_ were moving around the clan leaders. Rebellion. People were considering Lexa unfit to keep her status as leader, which would signify in her execution, so a new commander could be chosen when her spirit jumps to the next Heda.  Lexa should have silenced all of them before anything worse started in her domains, but the young commander had trapped herself in her chambers, unwilling to meet with anyone for the moment.

Thus, Indra had intruded her home and walked towards the Heda's chambers while being followed by a group of maidens that tried to stop her. 

"So we thought about doing the same thing Indra." A voice close to her stopped her in her tracks. A tall woman with fair skin and blonde hair appeared coming from the other hallway. The maidens immediately stepped away from Indra and bowed to the new intruder while saying their apologies.  "I was surprised that nobody was around to stop me from coming, I guess you were my distraction." The woman gave her a little nod as greeting while studying Indra with deep green eyes.

" _Lieu_." Indra said making her own bow to the woman with her head. 

"Ladies, would you leave us. I'll deal with your Heda's bad mood because of our intrusion." The blonde woman said, dismissing the maidens that bowed once more before leaving the two warriors in the hallway.

"Do you know why she did it?" Indra asked, knowing that her superior knew already of the situation.

"I plan to find out. Now stay behind, I'll deal with your Heda." The green eyed woman walked ahead of Indra and opened the doors to the Heda's chambers. The room that was partially illuminated with candles was wide and had a balcony where Lexa stood, looking into the distance in silence. The blonde sighed and walked silently towards her leader. 

"Leave me alone, Reu." Lexa said without looking back

"You have been pensive, Heda." Reu said with a small smile walking closer to stand next to the brunette.

"Is that another trait condemned in the Heda? I didn't know." Lexa said with disdain surprising Indra who stood silently out of sight in the entrance of the room. 

"So you are aware." 

"Of course I'm aware." Lexa said with a snarl in her face. " _Jusgon_. Ha! I should have let them die in the mountain... We all should have died in the mountain." Reu frowned at her words. Lexa was never like this. She glanced behind the leader and found roles of herbs burning at her side. She had been smoking herbs... that explained her behavior, but didn't explain why she had to turn to smoking herbs in the first place. The herbs were used as method of relaxation, to help ease pain and relax the body and mind when needed. It was for medical use. The only time they were used in other circumstances was in rituals. Reu's eyes scanned over Lexa's body with worry. The brunette seemed smaller with her shoulders lower in exhaustion. The dark bags under her eyes, the paleness of her skin and the hollow cheeks where only a reflection of the state of mind of the commander. Lexa was broken, but she already knew that. The real question was why? 

"What happened exactly?"

"What's done is done, nothing can be changed now." Lexa said after taking a deep breath in an attempt to clear her mind. The herbs she had been smoking helped her with the headaches and nightmares, but they made her feel dizzy and confused most of the time. 

"So you admit you made a mistake?"

"No! I did what had to be done! If I didn't retreat, they would have burned us all to the ground. I did what I had to do! I chose my people! I saved them." Lexa exclaimed with determination. She had made a decision, a hard one, but she knew deep inside it had been the right one. She had choice and paid the cost of her actions... no... Clarke had paid, not her.   

Reu observed Lexa for a moment and smiled sadly with what she found. Lexa's eyes were shimmering with contained emotion, but she was holding everything in, as if the mere thought of saying what bothered her was a ridiculous notion for her. 

"And yet... you regret it... why?" 

"I don't!" Lexa said angrily, finally turning to face the blonde woman directly. She looked deep into green eyes, similar to her own and stood her ground. She couldn't regret it, she was Heda! She couldn't regret it! 

"I know you better than anyone Lexa. We were first friends, then rivals and now I'm your second in command." Reu said in a calm voice trying to reach Lexa, not the commander, not Heda, just Lexa. "I was with you when you tried to sabotage yourself in the trials because you didn't want to be Heda, and yet managed to pass each one of them. I was by your side when you growled in fury when they chose you as commander. I fought with you when you started to unify the clans. I was with you when you cried over Costia. I was your friend then, and I am your friend now. You have made difficult decisions as Heda, but you have always made the right choice, that's why I know this time is no different. I know you did what was best, but I can see in your eyes that something is troubling you. You regret your decision. Why?" Reu asked looking into Lexa's eyes and seeing slowly how the cold mask of the leader slipped down. Lexa sighed allowing her walls to fall for a moment. She felt weak and broken ever since they had left Mount Weather. She could see Clarke's pained face every time she closed her eyes. She knew Clarke hated her for what she did, and that only made  Lexa hate herself even more.  

"We would have all died there. I should have thought of the possibilities." She said frowning angrily once again, mad at herself for not thinking ahead; mad at herself for not being good enough. "They had already bombed TonDC. I should have thought about the possibility of missiles." Lexa said clenching her fists so tightly that drops of blood started pouring down her closed fingers. "Everyone, even Clarke..." Lexa said with defeat. "So I betrayed her..." Lexa release the tightness of her fists and allowed her body to sink slightly in defeat.

Reu and Indra understood Lexa's regret immediately. Reu had personally seen how Lexa was when she was in love. She had seen the young commander look at Costia with such love and devotion, even when they were still fighting to unify the twelve clans. It was the only time she saw Lexa smile after she became Heda. Costia was what gave meaning to Lexa's life, and now this Clarke woman had brought back the light to Lexa's eyes. She could see it in them, Lexa had fallen for Clarke... even when she didn't want to, she had fallen for her. 

"A _Skaikru_? Really?" Reu asked in amusement. "You never take the easy path, do you?" Her words brought a small smile to the commander's face. It had been so long since she saw Lexa smile that she couldn't help but smile back. She didn't know Clarke, but she silently thanked the spirits for bringing her to Lexa's life.

"I know, I know. I have the worst taste in women." Lexa said almost playfully. Such a carefree tone of voice; almost happy. It sounded so weird in Lexa, but it was also so right on her.

"Problematic, all of them." Reu said with a smirk. She sighed, understanding the situation a little bit better now. She was right from the beginning. Lexa had saved her army from being killed that day, she had made the right decision. The only problem was that Lexa was keeping her reasons to herself, and that put her on danger. "For what I understand, the _Skaikru_ defeated the mountain men. They won, even without our help." Her words erased Lexa's smile from her lips. The commander swallowed hard and dragged her eyes to the horizon again.

"I know."

"So, explain to her why you did it."

"No! I won't give her excuses!" Lexa said fervently. She didn't want to give excuses to Clarke. She made a decision and that had hurt Clarke and risked the lives of her people. She didn't want to make excuses because...

"They are not excuses Lexa, they are answers. Answers she probably needs to hear from you!" Reu insisted. Lexa drew her eyes away from her friend. Her lower lip trembled a little, but she refused to show any sign of weakness. 

"I don't deserve her forgiveness..." Lexa let her words die while closing her fists once again feeling a pang of pain travel her body from the small cuts in the palms of her hands. She had been doing that a lot lately. It allowed her to stay awake because, since that day in the mountain, she hadn't been able to rest peacefully.

Every time she closed her eyes she could see Clarke's face in her mind, her eyes filled with betrayal and disbelief. It was torture for her because she wanted to stay and fight, but if she did all her people would have stayed as well. When she had became Heda she was disgusted with the notion, but she had accepted the responsibility. It was hard, but she bared it. When she lost Costia she cursed her title again. Ironically, she took refuge in her status as commander, and she decided that as Heda she couldn't allow herself to care for anyone ever again. And then there was Clarke. Now she hated being Heda again, she hated the responsibility of looking after twelve clans, but she especially hated it because being Heda had made her hate herself. She couldn't see it anymore; she was nothing more than the commander now. Her real self behind the mask of leader was so hard to find. Clarke had managed to bring her back to the surface, and she feared Clarke would not be willing to look further into her again to see her real self.

"Why did you leave her there, when you knew that she could die?" Reu asked curiously.

"Clarke is a good leader," Lexa answered without hesitation. She knew from the moment she decided in their retreat that Clarke could do it alone. She was smart and relentless, and would have found a way to defeat the mountain men and save her people. 

"You had faith in her. You trusted she would be able to win, even without you by her side." Reu said knowingly. She smiled at Lexa who kept frowning, "Maybe you should have faith in yourself as well, Lexa. You may think you don't deserve her forgiveness, but perhaps she is willing to do so even when you don't want her to."

"I do have faith." Lexa said stoically, but a faint blush on her cheeks gave her embarrassment away. "I left her a map to come to Polis with her people... and a horse... leaders should have their own horse."  Reu smiled at the confession. So strange... she may be wiser than all of us, and yet she still can behave as a child in these circumstances.

"I know you are Heda, Lexa, and I know that you hate it." The blonde said with seriousness. "I also know that you have lived for your people and the clans almost since birth, but maybe... just maybe it's time for you to live for yourself as well."

"Tell that to my loyal generals." Lexa face palmed with a soft smile. 

"I will, Heda." Indra spoke up surprising Lexa who was still unaware of her presence. She had heard someone enter her chambers, but never noticed that Reu had company. "I will explain the reasons of your choices to the other captains. I survived the attack on TonDC, so I can testify the level of destruction of their missiles. You saved us Heda, so I'm grateful for your choice." Indra said with determination. She had heard the whole conversation between the commander and her lieu. She never knew that Lexa didn't want to be Heda. She also didn't know how hard was to be one. Lexa had always behaved as an adult, as the leader she was supposed to be, but the truth was that Lexa was just a kid, only 20 summers old, and in a way it made her respect Lexa even more. 

"Indra..." Lexa looked for the older woman's eyes and nodded in appreciation. "Thank you... for your loyalty." Indra gasped in surprise for her words. The loyalty to the Heda was not something to be appreciated; it was something to be assumed. The fact that Lexa had bothered to say thank you for her loyalty demonstrated how different Lexa was from the other commanders. Yes, she was different, but that difference was what made her better.

"Thank you for guiding us, Heda," Indra said with another nod to her leader. She looked at Lexa and, for a moment, she was reminded of Octavia; another child that had earned her respect. If Lexa and Octavia followed Clarke, then Indra knew that the blonde leader of the _Skaikru_ was more than worthy of the Heda's interests. "And I wish you fortune with _Klark kom Skaikru_ , Heda."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx-xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Clarke and the men had been riding for at least half an hour when the blonde saw the outlines of a city on the horizon. When entering the city area, half of the inhabitants were in the street screaming and yelling at her in a different language. If she had thought the grounders were savages before, now she could safely said they weren't. These people were loud and vulgar. They were not treating her like a prisoner, she was like a toy to them. Just a mean for entertainment.

"Silence!" A voice ranged all around them. Everybody kept quiet, and Clarke watched in apprehension how a huge muscular man with tattoos all over his head and face walked through the crowd to reach them. "What do we have here?"

" _Arakta!_ " The leader of the men that captured her spoke to the tattooed man and offered Lexa's dagger to him. "We found this in her belongings, Viktor." The tall man's eyes flew to the dagger and took it eagerly with his huge hands. The smirk in his face made Clarke shuddered in fear. She was in trouble, and she feared that she had involved Lexa as well.

"Where did you get this?" Viktor barked moving aggressively over her and dragging her off the horse. 

"I found it!" Clarke exclaimed shaken by the violent movement. It wasn't a lie really, so the answer came easily to her. Dark eyes narrowed at her, studying her features for any kind of signal that would reveal a lie. 

"Where are you from?" Viktor asked.

"I'm from a small village far away from the mountains!" Once again the man studied her. Clarke was sure she had managed to trick him when she felt a painful slash cutting the flesh of her left thigh. 

"I don't like it when people lie to me." He glared. He had cut her thigh with Lexa's dagger. She moved her hand to the wound to try to stop the blood, but soon the weapon was brought to her neck in warning. "Answer." Clarke hesitated once again, and in retaliation the man pulled the dagger down once again and cut deeply into her other thigh, leaving two deep gashes in her legs. "Answer!"

"From the sky! My people come from the sky!" That seemed to appease the man who smiled wickedly at her. 

"What's your name _, Skaireun_? 

"Clarke... my name is Clarke." She said breathing heavily because of the knife pushed against her throat.

"Good, one last question, Clarke from the sky." He said leaning over so his face stood only a couple of inches away from her. She felt him lower the knife down the length of her neck and down the cleavage of her shirt. "Who gave you this dagger?" He whispered next to her ear. The shudder that traveled through her body was not pleasant at all. This man would kill her or worse if she didn't answer trustfully, but what would happen if she said the truth? Was she putting Lexa in danger? Was he going to kill her and send her head to Lexa, just like her enemies had done with Costia?

She gasped when she felt the blade of the dagger cut through her skin and clothes. She had thought she was strong, but she was wrong. She was weak. She was really weak.

"Lexa."  

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I introduced a new kru in this chapter, and it's not one of the 12 clans. I'll explain it later, so don't worry. With the new kru I introduced a new language as well. In case you couldn't decipher exactly what the new words meant here are some small translations.

** Dictionary: ** ** **

** Lieu: ** From Lieutenant. Basically is her rank as Lexa's second hand. I wanted to use something that rhymed with hand, but it sounded too similar to Heda so I went another way.

** Arakta: ** means leader, similar to Heda compared to the trikru.

** Rakta: ** Means a leader, but just to a small group, like Indra is leader of TonDC.

** Skaireun: ** People from the sky.

PS: Let me know if you liked Reu's character, and what do you think of Lexa's behavior. Is she out of character? maybe... she is drugged guys! And heartbroken if I may add!  Don't worry Lexa won't let anybody command her or let herself doubt. She is the commander, she doesn't show weakness!


	3. Bait

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I don't the 100!
> 
> A/N: Hello guys!  
> Here is a new chapter!
> 
> Thanks to my beta reader, and to William0102 from AO3 for the very insightful comment about this story.
> 
> This chapter has Heda Lexa, finally and the beginning of the story per se, hopefully you'll like it!
> 
> Enjoy!

** Bait **

"Lexa."

As soon her name left her lips she regretted it because she knew that somehow her words had sealed Lexa's and her own destiny for good. Viktor's smirk couldn't have grown any bigger, and the sadism behind that smile made her tremble in anticipation. 

"Should we dispose of her now, _Arakta_?" One man behind Viktor asked. 

"No." The leader of the savages smiled stepping away from her. "Put her in the pits, but don't make her play in the games yet." He said looking around with a big smile "We shall have visitors soon!" He exclaimed and the spectators that had remained silent until now roared in cheers. "I want her in one piece when we welcome our visitors. One week should be enough." Viktor said and with the dagger he cut a strand of blonde hair from Clarke’s head. He then smiled at her before turning around and walking away. Clarke let a sigh of relief leave her lungs just before she gasped in surprise when her body was lifted and seized by another man. He carried her throughout the streets while the people around her kept cheering and shouting at her in a different language. She attempted to look over her shoulder and, as she did so, noticed that she was being led towards what seemed to be a stadium of some sort. The soldier who carried her entered a metal gate and descended down a group of stone stairs. 

When they reached the bottom of the stairs Clarke saw jails. A lot of metal prisons that trapped at least ten people in each cage. The man opened one of the cells and stepped inside throwing her to the ground. She grunted in pain when she hit the floor noticing how her body ached all over, but the man didn't leave. He kneeled beside her and grabbed her wrists forcefully, beginning to tie her down with a strap of leather. He then pulled her up by the leather cuffs and dragged her to the back of the cell. He took her hands and secured the cuffs to a hook and chain that were attached to the roof, leaving her hands tied up high above her head and her body almost hanging from the hook itself.

With that, he left, closing the gate behind him. She struggled a little against her restraints but noticed soon that it was useless. That's when she noticed that she was not alone in that cell. Five people emerged from the shadows; two big men, two women and an old man. The old man moved closer to her and suddenly he spoke to the women that hurried and moved around the cell, bringing him a piece of cloth. What caught her attention was the language he used.

" _Trigedasleng_? Are you grounders?" Clarke frowned trying to remember the little of the language she had learned. " _Trikru_?" 

"I am a soldier, I know English, child." The old man said and moved to press a piece of clothing on the gash on her left thigh. Clarke hissed in pain, but she didn't complain. She allowed the old man to tie the cloth on her wounds to stop the bleeding. 

"Thank you."

"You are not from our _kru_ , who are you?" The old man asked stepping away from her.

"My name is Clarke, I'm from the sky people."

" _Skai_ people?" The man frowned not understanding her words completely. "Well you are lucky Clarke _kom Skaikru_. If they tied you down, it means they are not going to play with you just yet."

"Play? He said the same thing, that man named Viktor. What does he mean by that?"

"Poor child, you really know nothing?" The old man asked in disbelief.

"She fell from the sky, Jetro. I saw the light when it fell from the sky, and then watched their people." One of the women said, seriousness laced in her voice. "Me and my men moved within _Trikru_ territory to observe the sky people. That's how I ended up here. The fallen men, they caught us when we were fleeing back to our lands."

"The fallen men?" Clarke asked, not following the conversation.

"This is their land, child." Jetro said with trepidation. "For generations the clans have exiled the people who opposed their rules and broke the peace within their clan. Those people came together and created the Fallenkru. At the beginning, they were small and weak group, but after the alliance of the twelve clans, it became stronger. The warriors that were against the alliance left the twelve clans and became one with the _Fallenkru_. They hate everyone from the clans, and this is how they take revenge."

"They trap us here." The woman said with hate in her voice. "And they play with us."

"Just on top of us there is an arena. Whenever they capture someone from the twelve clans, or from other clans outside the coalition, they put them here in the pits until that person is summoned to the arena to play their games. The arena is almost a death sentence. They torture us for fun, make us fight each other to the death or fight their men in disadvantage. Our deaths are their entertainment."

Clarke felt her whole body turn cold all of the sudden. This was it. She was going to die here, and all for one stupid error. She found herself surprise to notice that the idea of her death did not scare her. It was disappointing, but not scary. Maybe it was karma. She had been the cause of the end of hundreds of innocent lives in Mount Weather, maybe dying here was her punishment. Nobody could say she didn't deserve it. She swallowed hard and sighed before lifting her gaze to look at the woman once again.

"Why are there so many people here?" Clarke asked with curiosity, not understanding how there were so many soldiers trapped inside if the arena was so dangerous.

"Not long ago, the Heda asked the nearest cities to move all their forces to TonDC. The Fallenkru took advantage of that and attacked several small towns, and captured a lot of people in the moment. We are the only ones left." The woman answered, looking around to the other jails that were filled with innocent people.

"I'm here from before because nobody finds pleasure in watching an old man fight to the death." Jetro said with a small smile. 

"Viktor is the leader of the _Fallenkru_?"

“At the beginning they didn't have a leader, but he became one after a while. He was from the _Trikru_. He was in the trials to become Heda, but he failed and attacked the chosen one as retaliation. After that he was exiled and became _Fallenkru_." Clarke gasped at his words. That was why he had asked about the knife!

"Oh my God, Lexa!" Clarke exclaimed thrashing in her place trying to break her bindings. 

"Calm down, child, what's the matter?"

"He wants to kill Lexa! The Heda! He said he was going to receive visitors! If Lexa comes, he is going to kill her!" Clarke said desperately. Jetro and the woman seemed surprise by her outburst  and looked at each other in delivery. 

"She is not going to come." Jetro said making Clarke stop in her trashing almost immediately. What did he mean with that? Clarke blinked and remembered that Lexa was the commander of the grounders. Could she really come for her so easily? Would she risk a war with the fallen men for her? 

"The responsibility of the Heda lies with her people." The woman spoke with security not noticing how her words made Clarke physically flinch in her place. "Even if you were important to her, she would not choose you over her people. The life of the Heda is the life of the Kru." Her words were confident and they did not hold the intention to hurt, but they did.

Lexa's face popped into Clarke's head, and the blonde could still see in her mind the way Lexa hid all her feelings behind a mask, but her eyes kept showing everything inside. Lexa's eyes were like the gates of her soul, and Clarke was almost completely sure she was the only one capable of open them and looked inside at the real Lexa. She knew Lexa truly cared for her, but the woman was right. Lexa's responsibility was with her people. Lexa had betrayed her once already because of them. The truth was that Lexa would not risk her life or the life of her soldiers for her. Clarke knew it, and yet she couldn't help but feel a bolt of pain shock her chest when she saw the truth. 

Clarke had thought she was over Lexa, but the pain in her heart reminded her that she was weaker than she thought she was; Lexa had been right all along.

_ Love is weakness. _

"I'm sorry Clarke" The old man said looking at her with understanding. "But I believe you are going to die in here, just like the rest of us."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx-xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx    

"You should have let us stay and fight, you have dishonored us all!" One of the clan leaders barked at Lexa who remained seated, stoically, in her throne. Lexa had been avoiding it for a while, but she knew that postponing her meeting with the leaders was useless and even dangerous. Yes she was Heda, but Lexa knew before hand that the leaders wouldn't be happy about what happened in Mount Weather. The rumors of rebellion were livid among the soldiers of the other clans. The soldiers of Polis were ready to defend Lexa of any attack, but the tension keep growing by the minute. The meeting was necessary. She had to deal with the other leaders and stand as leader before them. Not all the Hedas were present in the meeting. Two were missing: the Ice Queen and the Heda from the Rock Clan. In their replacement, two captains of their clan remained sited in their chairs while sending glares at Lexa. Reu and Indra were the other two people that weren't clan leaders, but Reu functioned as the leader of Polis, the city where the meeting was held, and Indra as leader of TonDC, the city closer to TonDC and that suffer more lost during the conflict. 

"Must I repeat myself so much, Rane? You would have died in the field just like the rest of us if we stayed. And must I remind you to mind your tone with me? Just because you have recently taken position as leader of your clan, doesn't mean you can demand me anything." Lexa said glaring daggers to the man who dared to bang his fists to the table in fury. Rane was the current Heda of the water clan. The previous Heda lost her life when TonDC was bombed and Rane had taken position as leader of his clan. Lexa couldn't argue with the selection of the new Heda, but she thought Rane was reckless, impulsive and quite stupid if she had to be honest. He was too direct in his disapproval of her as Heda of the twelve clans, and Lexa was starting to fear an alliance between the water tribe and the ice tribe against her.

" _Jus drein, jus daun_!" Rane almost screamed making other leaders to look cautiously to him. "They killed our people, we should have been the ones to make them bleed!"

"Don't confuse honor with revenge, Rane! I too hated the mountain men, but I did not let my hate blind my path in the choice of what is best for _my_ people!" Lexa exclaimed standing up asserting her place as the leader in the room. Rane was daring to defy her in front of the other clan leaders, and it was something she could not allow to go unsettled.

"What was best for us, was to fight for our honor!" 

"There is no honor in death! Is your ego so big to cost the life of thousands of your people?" Lexa's voice boomed strongly around the room, making Rane stand surprised by her words. "Do not mistake my words, Rane. If we had stayed to battle, the lives of two thousand soldiers from the twelve clans would have been lost in that battlefield. One missile alone burned TonDC to the ground causing 250 deaths in the city. And their missile failed its target. They had at least twenty other missiles pointing at us and we were so close that we would have not been able to run away. There was no battle to fight. From the moment we reached the mountain we were their target and they knew it. Even without the missiles, their technology would have translated in big losses to our numbers. There were too many lives at risk. You may think of me as a coward,but I know I made the right decision." Lexa said walking slowly to the clan leader who stared at her with confused and slightly scared eyes. However, Lexa was not only talking to Rane, she was now talking to all the clan leaders that had dared to doubt her. This was why Lexa was the commander. This was why she stood above the rest. She was Heda. She had been born to be a leader. She had it in her blood. 

"The mountain men had taken the lives of hundreds of our people before, but at the end of the day the blood of thousands more would have stained their mountain red. That, and the lives of the ones captured that were too weak to defend themselves or take part in the battle. What's a sour ego against thousands of lives? There is no honor in dying a worthless death; I chose to give us the opportunity to live another day. To save my people. Our people! I chose to have people to come back to and lead. If I had let you all die, I would be standing here being judged for allowing the deaths of my soldiers when I could have avoided it. Don't talk to me as if I am not aware of what my decisions meant to my people and myself! I am your leader, not because I chose to be it, but because you chose me! Your clan leaders accepted to follow me in the twelve clans alliance, so now you are going to stay quiet, at least until you can give me an acceptable reason as to why I should let you all kill me for saving _your_ lives!"  Rane was trembling with contained anger now and, ashamed, lowered his gaze to the floor. Lexa turned around and looked for any kind of defiance in the stares of the other leaders. None dared to even meet her gaze, the only two pairs of eyes belonged to Reu, who looked at her with an amused smirk on her lips and Indra, who smiled proudly at her. Lexa sighed, trying to calm herself after her outburst. She walked back to her throne and sat down while looking up at her captains who were now looking at her expectantly. 

"We of all people should know that life is short." Lexa said with seriousness.  "And the decisions we make are the ones that create the paths for our lives. There is no turning back. I chose to live. I chose my people over..." Lexa closed her eyes thinking about Clarke and swallowed the lump in her throat. "Over revenge and the _Skaikru_. I alone can carry the burden of shame if needed since, as your leader, I take that responsibility. You and the rest of our people should only worry about the future now. There is peace, now live it. You do have that right, after all."

Reu frowned at her words and was ready to intervene when, suddenly, a soldier opened the doors and intruded in the meeting. Lexa and the others stood up, ready to reprimand the man, but he walked rapidly towards Lexa and handed her a paper. Lexa read the paper and minutes after she fell to her chair in silence with a look of horror in her face. Reu moved forward and took the note from her hands and read it at loud. 

"I _Arakta_ , Viktor _kom Farrenkru_ present a special invitation towards _Heda Leksa kom Trikru_ to come and visit my city.  I have _Klark kom Skaikru_ as my prisoner. I offer you, Leksa, to come and hand yourself to me in exchange from your Skaikru doll. If you do not come, she will die in six days." Reu read aloud, translating the letter from _Trigedasleng_ to English. 

"These came with it." The soldier presented Lexa's dagger that had a blonde stray of hair tied up in the hilt.  Lexa took the weapon and ran her fingers through the strand of hair. It was Clarke's, she was completely sure of it.

"That was a pointless letter." One of the clan leaders said with a shake of his head. 

"There is no way we are going to risk to initiate a war with the _Fallenkru_ over a _Skaikru_." Another clan leader said with amusement in his voice.

"She is not only _Skaikru_ , she is the leader of the sky people, and the sky people are our allies now. Capturing her is an act of war in itself." Reu said angrily to the other two leaders.

"The alliance was broken the moment we left the mountain." A female leader spoke making Reu frown.

"No, we were the ones who broke the deal, we can chose to respect the alliance if the _Skaikru_ would still take it. Besides, we owe the _Skaikru_ after we left them to fight alone." A leader with darker skin argued rationally.

"We do not own them anything, Puma!" Rane barked angrily to the African American captain.

"The mountain fell because of them! The reapers were cured because of them!" A woman with white hair and fair skin called Luna jumped in the conversation.

"They defeated our enemy when we had to retreat. You were the one talking about honor Rane, maybe you should step upon your own words." Reu conclude sending a challenging glare to the clan leader. She might not be Heda of any of the 12 clans, but she was Lexa's second in command, and she didn't earn that position by being intimidated by others.

"You don't know anything about honor, Reu!" Rane shouted stepping closer to the woman who remained seated calmly in her chair. 

"Silence!" Lexa shouted, quieting the room completely. After a moment of hesitation, Puma spoke again.

"The _Skaikru_ deserve our support, but the truth is that a war with the _Fallenkru_ right now could be risky, Heda." Puma said prompting the commander to speak. Lexa who had remained in her seat, looking down at the dagger in her hand, raised her gaze to look at her captains.

"You are right." Lexa said surprising Reu and Indra with her words. "Risking a war over the life of one person is foolish and irresponsible. I cannot allow my people to do it." Lexa said with a sigh. She stood up and showed the dagger to the other leaders that frowned in confusion until she spoke again.

" _Ai sonraun, ai wano (my life, my death)_." Lexa said, finally moving around the table and walking out of the room. The shock in the captains was palpable. None of them dared to say a thing. They just stood there watching the throne where their leader had been seated just moments ago. Lexa had made her decision, and it had surprised all of them. 

Reu remained in shock after Lexa left, her whole body and mind screamed at her to follow the commander, but she couldn't move. She knew she couldn't do anything now. Lexa was going to bring Clarke back...

Alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh shit, things are getting interesting.
> 
> Finally a Lexa similar to the one we love and adore lol
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter, if you did, please let me now and review!
> 
> Thanks and bye!


End file.
